TO MY MOM

Hey Mom, I really hope you're reading this since our last words were a simple goodbye with a hug. You never saw me cross the finish line, but I bet you were proud as fuck that whole weekend. I can assure you all of our family and friend's hearts are broken, specially mine. I only had 19 and a half years with you, and five of those years I cannot recall or look back at when I'm lonely since I was a baby/toddler.

You were the most faithful mother, always following my dreams behind me in case I failed. I did fail in several of them but instead of comforting me you just pushed me in a different direction so I wouldn't hurt my self-esteem. You pampered me with no shame, you spoke highly of me -and quite a lot- to my aunts and uncles, you never punished me and took me everywhere I'd want to go.

I have so many good memories with you, I have so many good experiences along with the rest of the family. All our trips, and adventures; but even the ordinary day at home on a summer day while dad was at work and you would of course be sitting on the bed with your iPad and I'd run to your room yelling 'Maaaa' and bother you just because. I liked being annoying to you in a loving way and you'd just laugh and tease me back.

Although you were not the greatest cook (thank God for step by step instructions on Kraft mac and cheese), you were indeed the greatest wife, aunt, daughter, sister and most importantly mom. I will never doubt the strength of love and affection you had towards me since you fought so hard to get me, 10 years actually, but I can't stop wandering what I could have soaked in from you in those 10 years we lost. God has his reasons and I know they'll be for the better, but God dammit am I hurt.

You were so selfless and would just lighten the room with happiness and smiles. I still remember your body language and I hope never to forget it, when you would lift both your arms and say "oieee" to me when I teased you; when you hugged me after not seeing me in a long time and caress me, or when you just to say "todo lo que mi bebita quiera", express how much you cared about me; a true mother's love.

I love you Mom

Disney's Tower of Terror 10 Miler: Official Photos

Week #76: Mom's Death (10.06.14 - 10.12.14)

So the whole thing according to my dad happened this way: they went on the Toy Story Manie ride over Hollywood Studios, and that ride is known to have sudden moves and to spin a lot (she beat my dad, lol). When she got off she felt her smile look funny, then her arm went numb. She decided to go to the bathroom along with my dad and she collapsed inside. My dad rushed to get help and they are driven by ambulance to the hospital near Disney. In the ambulance my mom told my dad "I'm going to die" and that part breaks my heart in the tiniest pieces every time. She knew she was not going to make it. I sometimes wander what were her last thoughts... I wonder if she thought of me finishing the race or me at all... 

Honestly this whole week was a blur... Tia Melissa, Vicki and Tia Gia (Tia Giselle's sister) came by and thank the heavens they did. Without their support I wouldn't have gone through this process with half a smile in my face. My mom's scar was humongous, it looked like serpent and was stapled, I would say it look more like an S for Stacy. We rotated the sleep at the hospital, but every night I stayed. Towards the last nights me and my aunt would stay every single night straight. My mom wouldn't wake up and wouldn't follow commands such as squeezing hand or wiggling toes. However I swear there was a moment in which she caressed my hand with her thumb. 

The struggle was knowing that if she would wake she would not live a good life yet we all wanted her to wake up. There was a moment in which we thought she was going to wake up and we all went crazy and started talking to her and stimulating her limbs but nothing. 

I brought Max and let my mom sleep with him. I did it because of the time I got the wisdom teeth taken out, she came and pick me up with Max riding shotgun. I looked at her like I'm too old for these but the minute I grabbed Max I hugged him until I got to my room. She just knew me... 

Monday after the surgery I went to USF thinking I could do the semester in this situation, I went to Calculus class but when I came back I broke down. I started crying and hyperventilating and then I got the news that we were to chose the next day to put my mom off the breather. We decided that the next day and that night my sun and I stayed with her. Initially it was only going to be my aunt but I decided to be there too since I know my mom would have never left my side. My aunt told me I was really brave and that made me feel so good. That was the best night I had, we talked and talked about funny and happy memories. I felt good because I have so many good memories with my mom. 

Her breathing was starting to decrease and we honestly thought she was going to leave us that night. She didn't, her breathing strengthen by the next morning. It lasted like that for the next couple of days. One time though, I noticed she stopped breathing and ran to her and we all saw how her eyes open and her eye balls rolled and went white and she gave her last breath. We thought that was it but then she started breathing again. 

My grandma and aunt decided to make my mom look pretty (prettier) by doing her hair and cleaning her up. And after that my mom passed. My aunt told us that my mom shed a tear after they finished her hair, and she passed away a couple of hours after that. I like to think that she waited until she looked pretty (prettier) to take off and that makes me smile. 

She will never see me cross that 10 Miler finish line, never see me graduate or attend my wedding... She will always be in my heart though, always. 

But what makes me most happy from all this chaos is that her last memories, places and people where in Disney, her favorite place of all time, with me and my dad, her favorite people. Her last full night was in Fantasmic and it just fills my heart. It fills my heart how she just loves going to the parks even if she doesn't go on several of the rides. She just loves that feeling and I love that about her. I love everything about her and I will never stop loving her or thinking about her. 

Ana Isabel Siu Chan

June 27th, 1960 - October 9th 2014

Week #75: DISNEY'S TOWER OF TERROR 10 MILER and MOM'S HOSPITAL SCARE (09.29.14 - 10.05.14)

I honestly thought Monday was going to be one of the roughest days I've had but it went smoothly. I had two tests, one quiz and one homework and one of the tests was Calculus III. I hadn't studied what you might call properly but I somehow feel I did fine. Maybe not an A+ fine, nevertheless fine. The programming test was easy as well, taking me only 15 minutes to complete. I completely bailed on my physics class because Courtney skipped and she made me realize that I could actually use this time to do some serious studying or relaxing after a stressful weekend instead of sitting in the lecture pretending to be interested. And after a crappy last week I feel I'm finally entering the clearing, I feel like Bambi, the lost of my mother is long gone and it's February 2nd and spring is here (ok... that was a weird zone out). Well, the only mishap of the day was not doing too good on my Discrete Structure's quiz but I really believe she made it difficult on purpose because a lot of students have not being showing up, which is really immature from here and unfair to those who have been staying every class...

I don't know why but every time after a physics lab I feel so good, I feel I accomplished something and it came out right, no uncertainty an waiting to see if you did good, just like programming lab. I really need to sleep more... I don't know why but I go to bed at around 12 am and toss and turn the whole night, At least I don't have a roommate anymore so I can make all the noise in the world when turning. Yesterday I got an email from the guy from The Province (the apartment I wanna live in next year) and I'm pretty sure he told me I had got the apartment but I'd have to wait for the contract leases to come out so I'm pretty stocked because he mentioned that I was pretty lucky since 1-bedroom apartments go out fast; and today he emailed confirming me the lease contract and I'm going there on Thursday to sign it :)

Wednesday was a very chill day, most needed certainly. I went to Calculus III and got my first test back, I got a 77! Which is not that bad. I decided to skip Physics and Discrete Structures because honestly I feel none, NONE, of my classes are helping me learn anything... I feel most of these professors are rather incompetent. Either way, I had a relaxing day, watched Pocahontas on Netflix and turned in my photos for the Study Abroad photo contest. And my mom and dad are getting here tonight!!! I won't see them until tomorrow though because their plane lands around midnight.

Thursday was fun, my parents and I went to the mall and did a little shopping. We also went to Wal-Mart, Target, and Michaels. I wanted to go to Michaels to buy supplied to build my own bib and medal holder. 

On Friday we left early and headed to Orlando, we checked in at the hotel and hopped on a bus to the expo. My folks fell in love with all the transportation system and how well organized it all was. The expo was really fun, both me and my mom bought flip belts, then we got my shirt and bought a couple of things at the official merchandise booth. While my dad waited in line to pay me and my mom went ahead and looked around the expo. My dad didn't look too please but we went ahead anyways. I bought a special hairband for my Little Mermaid costume for next year. Before leaving my mom bought a pretzel and she tried out paying with her key/bracelet. Then we went to Epcot since out room wasn't ready yet and we realized the Food and Wine festival had started. We walked through all the countries which is what I really wanted to do and my dad bought cheese bread from the Brazil booth at the festival. We went to a couple of rides and before the night fell we went to Hollywood Studios to watch the first Fantasmic showing. We bought a turkey leg, pop corn and drinks and we ate as we sat on the very front row only the three of us to watch the show. 

On Saturday we slept in since it was race day, we went out and toured the hotel facilities and took tons of pictures with the oversized decorations, this hotel is so fun and pretty. After a very relaxed day we went ahead into the race and since we got early we just sat in the parking lot with the other 12k people in there and my mom was so in love with all the customs just as well as I was. I went into my corral and it started. I finished the race in 2:21:38, earlier than expected. While running through Hollywood Studios I was looking at the crowd trying to spot my mom and dad and could not see them, I didn't think anything was going on until I got to the finish line where I noticed a Disney staff stare at my bib number and after crossing the line two crew members came up to me and gave me the news: my mom had fainted and had been moved to the hospital. At first I thought it couldn't have been a big deal and that my mom would be totally fine, maybe just a little dehydrated. But when I got to the hospital my dad told me my mom had had a bleeding in the brain due to high pressure. My mom was transported via helicopter to the main facilities in Orlando. Me and my dad have to drive there. 

Over there the doctor told those that the scan showed a big bleed but it didn't worry him that much and there was no need for surgery and that a week or so would alleviate things. After the second scan they realized they needed surgery so they decided to operate on her. The nurse called me when me and my dad were about to have breakfast at IHOP and we raced back to the hospital. The outcome of the surgery was not bright. The doctor told us that there were only two paths, she either died or she wouldn't be able to live on her own (that includes thinking, moving, everything). We couldn't believe it and we were panicking and extremely sad. Apo and Tia Marilu flew over that night and thank God they did, they have no idea how thankful I was for them flying here. 

DISNEY RACE CHECKLIST: Tower of Terror 10 Miler 2014

T minus 2 for race day! I'm so excited, this is my first Disney race and as a first you understand I must have everything checked off on my checklist. I decided to share my checklist for all Disney firsts just like me. 

• Pack your running gear, and if you're flying pack it on your carry on. 
• Check that your hotel reservations are all good to go. 
• Buy any snacks you are used to for traveling time. 
• DRINK WATER!
• Print and sign the waiver. 
• Don't forget your photo ID to retrieve your packet. 
• Phones for pictures and chargers for phones. 
• It might be chilly (stress on "might" since this is bipolar FL we are talking about) so bring an old hoodie to give away prior to the race. 
• Bring lots of money to buy goodies!
• And last, bring a happy smile since you are gonna have the funnest time while losing weight!