Week #48: University Meltdown (03.24.14 - 03.28.14)

This whole weekend I've been excited to finally put my hands on my new iPad Mini, the moment I saw that the package was finally delivered on Monday morning I went nuts. What bothers me is that the Mailing Office has not sent me an email telling me to pick it up so my patience is running low. Also last night was a tough night, I had to literally count sheep to fall asleep (I counted over 200). I finally got my iPad, a 128 GB iPad Mini and uploaded my stuff that only left 31 GB left from the 128 GB! The rest of the day was A REALLY CRAPPY DAY! I went to the office hours of my calculus II professor, to get extra points on my second test and I wasn't really ready and he got really mad and started to frustrate with me. In one of the questions he asked what method to use for a certain integral but I didn't know what he meant with method, and he screamed at me writing the word method in capital letters while yelling it slowly... If I had to award the worst professor in the history of universities I would grant him the honor... I left his office crying and got a call from my mom, I finally told her that I couldn't keep up with engineering any more and I was streaming water currents down my cheeks. I don't see why my mom makes me get an engineering degree if I don't like the career itself and the subjects to make it. I tried looking up for other majors in USF (Architecture and Graphic Design), but it was useless. Architecture was only a master's program, and for graphic design I need to apply with a portfolio. I tried to focus in the library after my meltdown but I couldn't... I texted Jose David later for support and he is such a great friend, I love him with all my heart. I offered to help me with calc and was so sweet about it! He might be one of the best, if not, friend I've ever had. So selfless and loving he is. I wanted to Skype with Rod... I told him I needed him, but he told me no because he had to go to sleep... That really hurt my feelings. 

It's Tuesday and I still feel crappy from what happen Monday, maybe things will get better. It's not the end of the world right? If I fail I can take the class again over the summer... I just feel stupid, that's all. Every minute I'm alone, watching Netflix or doing nothing I feel guilty because that might be the reason of my failures, but I try to remind myself that this me-time is extremely important. However, doesn't matter how many times I tell myself... I keep beating myself up and my eyes keep watering. This is definitely the worst week of this whole term... I feel so stupid, useless, and good for nothing. Everyone around me is getting good grades, and is easy for them to focus; they want to be engineers in the future because that's what they love. When I grow up, I'll let my children decide to study whatever they want; because this right here is not worth it. My mom after offering yesterday to fly over here because of my sadness, gave me the chance to change majors, but from the list of majors in USF I couldn't find a single thing I'd like. If I wanted to really pursue my dreams I would have to change schools, and that would be a shame because of the great pricing due to my scholarship here. This topic just keeps going on and on in my head, beating the guilt out of me. I wish I hadn't rejected the offer my mom made to come visit me. I rejected it because in a couple of week I'll be in Panama for Patty's 15th birthday party and my dad would kill my mom if she just came to visit because I was sad. I had never cried like that in front of my mom, I must have triggered her motherly instinct. My eyes are watering right now just thinking about all of this, I really want my mommy here. 


On Wednesday I had a quiz on economics, and the professor never told us like he usually does. I did well, but I missed one question because I skipped it unintentionally! I have everything else right and that infuriates me! I could've gotten a 100 on that week. I just feel that it seems as if I can't catch a break this week. I just want really to take the next semester off and just relax you know... So now I'm intrigued in the whole computer engineer thingy, it got me thinking and I research a little bit about it and I really liked it. I remember in high school programming HTML and it was really fun, I even like it more than industrial engineering because this means that I could work for big companies like Apple or Google or even create apps! So after more than a week and a half without doing laundry I finally succumbed. The load was huge and well... you know: the struggle. 

On Thursday I had planned a calculus date with Courtney to learn everything we haven't but at last minute she had to go pick up her brother... So I took in the extra hours of sleep and relaxed a little. Then I went for a run and ran over 6 km! :3 That really brightens my day. Then I showered and headed out to the library to work on math. I got some Pollo Tropical for dinner and then returned to the library. I feel quite proud of myself for practicing so much and having long term focus sessions. I'm also loving my iPad mini :D I've been playing Hay Day and watching my YouTube videos here while studying. 

On Friday I woke up at 8:30 am to meet up with Ricardo to help him with economics, we met in a room at the MSC. It's the first time I've ever been in one of those rooms. I explained as much as I could because he only had until 10:50, I really hope he does well on the midterm on Monday. I also biked to Target to buy an iPad cover, a stylus and since I was there I bought makeup for Patty's birthday and for some YouTube videos I'm planning to do when I get back :3 What also surprised me about the makeup I bought was that the Elf brand, everthying was under $3! And I got a pretty cool lip color which is the red in the picture below. I also forgot to go out on a run! :'( I really wanted to... The rest of the day I finished Pokemon on Netflix and skyped with Rod :)

I Dropped a Class

This is not the proudest I've been of myself but I dropped World Regional Geography. This class was affecting seriously my GPA, I had a C in this class! A 79 that could become a B in a near future but still, it was better to drop it and do another course in that area of requirement in which I can get an A or at least a B+. 
I feel really bad because I'm not the type that usually surrenders, I'm the type that gets all stressed and struggles but at the end succeeds. I really hope it was a good choice to make, I am definitely not stress of when and how I'm going to redo that course in the future because I do have some blank spots for me to squeeze it in. 

Geography sucks. 

The Struggle

At the beginning of 2013 I was in FSU doing some courses in advance to being in USF, because I think FSU is easier due to the nationality of the professors (Panamanian) and the expectance of their students (who are also Panamanian). Hence, I was used to an easy life in FSU doing homework once or twice a week and studying for each test for 15 or 30 minutes. 

Now here at USF, where it is also harder; I took 7 courses compared to the 4 and 3 courses I took at FSU. I haven't felt this pressured and stressed since high school. Plus the responsibility of going out to eat, doing laundry (big time consumer), cleaning my room, exercising, and participating in organizations and other activities that may enhance my curriculum, I'm really feeling The Struggle. 

This last week I've heard "the struggle" like 10 times from 10 different people, it's not just me who is taking this transition a little overwhelming. The only difference is that those I've heard it from are taking 4 to 5 courses, while I'm here taking 7. 

I didn't just took 7 courses because I wanted to challenge myself, but my scholarship requires me to have 30 credits per year (15 per semester) and since I'm taking a couple of courses that only give you 1 credit (the labs), and a mandatory course which gives you none, I'm stuck with 7 courses. 

This weekend I got really stressed out due to the amount of school work I have for this week, but I took a moment and analyzed. I got to the conclusion that I was getting overly stressed, because I wanted to finish all my school work for the week in one weekend, which may be possible but a hell of a weekend. 

Right now I'm just taking one day at a time, and counting the days until my Christmas break (88 days for December 13th). 

"The Struggle" can be prevented with good time management and prioritizing. 

Week #20 (09/09/2013 - 09/15/2013)

So on Monday I was super tired, I didn't even wake up to Kaitlyn's alarm at 7 AM. I went to Chemistry and Armando sat next to me again, I like that people look for me to sit next to me; I like Armando :) After Chemistry I bought some Pollo Tropical and ate in my room while watching my daily vlogs (usual mondays). Then I went to American Studies and at 4 I went to Calculus, thank God I remembered Calculus is at 4 not 3:30 because I have gone twice at 3 thinking it is at 3:30. Later in the night I hear a lot of chatting and when I look all of my suite mates (except Abby) are gathered in the other common room, so I go there and do some social life. I really like them all, they are so funny and cool to hang out with. Kaitlyn was really hyper though, I think it was the coffee she drank. Anyways, she went downstairs to open the door to Chris and we decided to tease her and we all hided in my room. When they turned off the lights and saw my wall full of stars they went like "wowww" hahaha. It was a nice ending to my Monday.

On Tuesday the guy from the Study Abroad finally replies to me and says I have to meet up with the advisor of my major, so I made an appointment with John for Thursday. Before class I went to the bookstore to buy a weekly planner because I feel I'm forgetting so much stuff, but when I got there I realized I left my wallet! This is the second time these past two weeks! So I went to Fresh Food Co. and grab some food to go. I feel bad because they didn't have any healthy stuff, so I had a lot of carbs for lunch. At class, remember I told you I felt like I was forgetting stuff? Well I had a quiz on Foundations for Engineering Lab, luckily it was in group and you actually did not need to have read the chapters. After that class I went and bought my weekly planner and also a USF t-shirt, because I feel I don't have enough. I went to my other class at 3:30 and saw Ahmad, I feel so bad because I have not texted him in a very long time and he told me that he felt sad, either way we worked that out. After class I went to Champion's Choice for dinner (I love that place) and I had mashed potatoes, a meat I don't know from what animal came and a tofu salad. After that I had a group meeting with the guys from my Foundations for Engineering class, Nick and Chad, and we accomplished to do something. Chad and I are lucky that Nick is a Junior because he knows a lot of stuff we still don't. On my way back I decided to stop by the Pod Market to see if they sold any Whoppers but they don't. Last weekend I went to Target and bought everything I needed except my Whoppers, and now I crave them everyday! Vicki message me through Facebook today and she invited me for Thanksgiving at her house, so I guess I'm going to Miami on November :) Before going to bed I had a nice chat with Kaitly about piercings, thanksgiving, and other stuff, this is the Kaitlyn I like; not so hyper and weird but not that much.

On Wednesday I went to my usual classes, however, at noon I went to Lunchtime with Leadership for my Certified Leadership hours and today's topic was about "Leadership after a crisis" since today is 9/11 and it really inspired me you know? Also before the lunchtime there was a Volunteering Fair at the MSC and I got really interested in one called Metropolitan Ministries, I liked that one because it has tons of area in which I can help, including photography! After all my classes I went to dine at Champion's Choice and while I was eating alone Olivia came up to me and asked if she could join. I felt happy because I haven't talked that much with Olivia. We had a great time :) After that I came back and changed into my work out clothes. Today has actually been a very stressful day because I have to read 7 chapters of "The Right Stuff" by Tom Wolfe by tomorrow. So while I was working out I was also reading. I really can notice when I'm interested in what I'm reading because 400 pages' books that I like take me about three days, while this one I read only 10 pages in 25 minutes while jogging. I didn't get a chance to skype with Momo because of that book. Anyway, today was a really busy and productive day.

Thursday was a very stressful day, besides the fact that I have to wake up for my 8 AM class, the class is Chemistry lab! I hate it. I got really stressed out because we have to do a billion things just for that class. Anyway, after the living hell lab we had I went to my advisor so he could approve my course for the Study Abroad next year, he did but I also need the approval of the course's department. So I biked all the way to the other side of campus, it was seriously a long bike ride (about a mile and a half). So I get into the building and get send to the other side of it. I got lost and asked for help and a boy named Evan (looked like a student) helped me go where I was supposed to. I had to go to room 2632 and when I got there it was a sign next to a coffee table.. I was like 'are you kidding me?'. So a guy found me and took me to the secretary, the lady said that the guy I was looking for was not there so I left my number and email. When I got out of the building it was freaking pouring outside, and of course I left my umbrella, AGAIN. I stopped by the mail room to pick up my new Asic running shoes :) When I got to me room I was soaking wet and changed my clothes, then I realized it had stopped raining so I change clothes and went out to the trail to try out my new running shoes. At first they felt good but as the time passed I could feel the impact in my heel.

On Friday I went to my Chemistry class, and practically what we are doing right now is the same I did in my three years of Chemistry in high school, so no pressure. For lunch I had discovered Thursday that Champion's Choice has those sticks that chinese restaurants serve! Those you can buy packaged in Panda Express, I call them "palitos". So now whenever I wanna eat I go to Champion's to eat some "palitos" :P hahaha. I still have tons of homework but I really don't feel in the mood to do them, I did some of it but I still need to write a couple of lab reports, study and do homework. The USF library at the beginning of the semester announce that they would not have the 24/5 schedule they've always had but we protested and from this Sunday it will be 24 hours! So maybe I can hibernate at the library this weekend and finish all I have to finish.

I also installed my cup holder
for my bike :)

A Powerful Mind - How To Manage Stress

There are two types of stress for me: the one where you are totally blocked and you barely make it through just before falling into the deadly tentacles of death, and the one where I feel it extremely easy to finish a task thanks to the motivation of stress.

Now. How do I transform the first type of stress (let's call it the Tentacles of Death), to the second type (the Anchor To Happiness)? For me it's simple, maybe for you it's different but we may have some similarities. What I do is visualize myself finishing everything I have to do, and when I finish visualizing it I realize it's really simple. And that whatever is stopping me from getting there is pure bullshit.

So whenever I'm blocked I just visualize, for example: today I have to study five chapters of Biology for the day after tomorrow. Gosh that sounds like a lot doesn't it? Well maybe if I just spend an hour on each chapter without any distractions, I might finish and still have time to catch up on my reading this week (It's Kind of a Funny Story by Ned Vizzini, that's where I got the tentacles and anchor stuff).

The only obstacle in between you and your Anchor of Happiness is yourself (actually just your mind), and how can you counter the Tentacle of Death? With mind itself. Mind vs. mind. You are your own enemy.

Recommended book: It's Kind of a Funny Story by Ned Vizzini, what I learn from this book (and I haven't finish it yet) is that school might seem like a huge problem, like getting a job and having a place to live are all you need. But really, that's not the meaning of life. It's not up to me to describe what's its meaning, but I think you get the idea.