I write what I feel like writing :) Besides that, I like to talk about my week, photography, YouTube videos and books. I'm a sophomore and I live in Panama/Tampa. I like to travel and experience new adventures.
Twitter and Instagram: @staceaileen
It's been a wonderful year and a half with this blog, but I think I'm more than ready for the next step. I will never stop writing, that's for sure, but I believe in a different (not better) method to treasure my memories, and that's vlogging. I'm going to start vlogging, not every day, but the memorable ones. Hopefully I'll start vlogging every single day sometime. It's been a blast blogging, and I'll dearly miss it. I'll try to pop up once in a while, but until then you can find me in my Youtube channel: Stacy Kam. Here's my first vlog btw.
Monday was a chilled day. I did not much during the day, specially because I woke up late because I came back home after 2 am from the friends-giving dinner. For dinner I went to the Ramada Hotel to have dinner with all my family. The restaurant at the hotel was packed with what looked like a group of teenagers traveling through Panama and they were so loud! We ended up eating at the lobby in the floor because it was giving us all a headache. After dinner we went up to the hotel room and we booked all of the stuff that needed to be booked for our Amsterdam/London trip. Tuesday was another chilled day thank goodness, this is just what I needed. I filmed a video and then went to dinner with the grandparents and Cristy. We ate at Jimmy's, but getting to Jimmy's was a headache because of all the traffic! Plus, Cristy wanted me to pick her up, ugh and when we got to the parking lot she left me alone while I was putting my stuff away... What a cousin aye. On Wednesday we went to dinner at Athen's Pizza. I feel like me whole week's been just going out for dinner lol. After dinner though, Patty and Tia Marilu came to my house to practice a bit we're gonna do on the Agrupa's Mother's Day dinner. Tio Lancho and Enrique came later too and we kinda learned our bit. We have to practice though, a lot. On Thursday I picked up Patty from school and went to my grandma's because Eli called me the day before telling me she was going to make yiyi if I wanted to drop by and grub :D So I did. Patty came to my house after lunch and she did a bit of studying while I chilled. We made some microwaveable cheesecake and then practiced our bit for Friday's Mother's Day Dinner. Enrique and Brandon came over a bit later and practiced with us and later at night Tia Marilu came over. We had Papa John's for dinner you guys! It wasn't as good as I expected though, I've had better pizzas for sure (I went to Italy for God's sake, lol). On Friday I woke up late and got ready for Agrupa's dinner. I got to Lung Fung around 4:30 and helped out with the preparations. This year the dinner was a lot smaller than I'd have expected, only filling half of the big room. They had a lot of sweets though, and (God bless them) they had a popsicle cart! I was in heaven! I had three popsicles :) We showed a video of tribute to my mom ( :'( ) and then we went ahead with our presentation.
On Saturday I spent my day as usual and then went to dinner at Athen's again because my grandpa was craving it. On Sunday we had arranged to meet at my mom's crypt since the next day was Mother's day. I got there early and lay a flower arrangement and then waited for the rest of the tribe to show up. I waited and waited for like half an hour until I decided to call them. Apparently... they canceled the whole thing because my grandpa didn't feel well and forgot to call me! It's the second time it's happened and I was SO PISSED. Like... What do I need for them to remember me? My mom? Now that she's gone am I gone too? Geez... so pissed. And as to compensate the whole thing they said to go dine at La Mexicanita (my favorite restaurant), but it wasn't even pleasant because Yoyi kept complaining the food at Orale was better and Patty didn't like what she ordered... and it just made me feel worst because we were all there for me and I didn't even choose the place....
On Monday I had a date with Dorianne :3 our initial plan was to go to Casco and have some ice cream but it looked like it might rain so we changed plans and headed to the mall. I had a shopping spree long coming. I bought two pairs of jeans, one sweater and one beanie. I really love all that I bought and I also bought a late birthday present for Rod :) I had lunch at Crepes & Waffles and walked through the mall from a little after noon until around 6 or 7. After our little-beautiful-needed date I went to the hospital to be with my grandpa as always. On Tuesday I woke up earlier than usual to take my grandma's cleaning and cooking lady to the super makert, it's been a long time since I've spent some quality time with Eli and I think it's nice that she remembers I call fish yiyi and she knows it's my favorite. After grocery shopping I went to the hospital to take care of my grandpa because my grandma had to go to an event so I spent around 5 or 6 hours alone with my grandpa at the hospital and we spent a great deal playing hangman. I took him for a stroll around the floor, we watched the parking lot from the window and watched how people drove or how they were badly parked. It wasn't until 8 pm that my grandma return, way after she was supposed to because of the rain. On Wednesday I had to go grocery shopping because I had absolutely no food in my house and I brought Rod along to accompany me. Then we came back and I cooked us some lunch while my cleaning lady cleaned away. Then we watched a movie together -Grown Ups, hilarious- and then Rod left so I could go to the hospital once again. It looks this time that my grandpa is staying until Monday, so hopefully he won't have to return. At night I tried out a LUSH bath thingy that was super cool. It was a glittery star that smell citrusy and made the tub turn blue and it's so relaxing to just smell the citrus while in a blue tub reading Harry Potter :) On Thursday I woke up around noon and it was glorious, I filmed two videos during the day: how to pull an effective all nighter and microwaveable cheesecake. After that I went to the hospital as usual and started editing over there. Happy Thanksgivings by the way!
On Friday, Black Friday ya'll, I went to my grandma's at around 3:30 and then we all headed to the mall, that is Patty, some friend of Patty and my aunt. We ended up splitting and I went on my own through the crowds. It wasn't as crowded as the first Black Friday the mall held and the parking situation was pretty tolerable. We got a parking spot right after entering the mall and just after we saw a police officer handcuffing a guy and looking through his car, the police ended up taking the guy! I shopped at American Eagle (I'm obsessed with AEO), Bershka, and Zara. I didn't get much but I liked what I got. My grandparents were staying at the Marriot Courtyard (the hotel linked to the mall) because they are still working on taking the rugs out of the house, which was convenient for us because we could leave our shopping in the hotel and stuff. I stayed at the hotel that night which I regret. I always regret sleeping at a hotel with my grandparents because they keep the temperature super high and I can't sleep in the heat. And then add the snoring of my aunt and grandma together D: We had dinner at Benihana's which was nice. We joked about having a birthday in our table and the staff sang Happy Birthday to Yoyi, lol. We got free ice cream though!
On Saturday we woke up early and headed to my grandma's to start painting her room. It was a really slow process but we made it and afterwards we had dinner at P.F. Chang's, which is new for me, I wanted to go ages ago with my mom but decided not to last minute because I change my mind due to the price of the restaurant (I highly regret that because now I don't have memories with her at that place). The food was amazingly delicious an the desserts left me speechless. On Sunday I was supposed to wake up early and drive all the way to the hotel to babysit my grandpa along with my cousin. I got there and there was nobody in the hotel room but a slump in the single bed snoring in the dark, I assumed that was Patty. I closed the door and called my grandpa to find out where he was and turns out I didn't have to go and babysit him since he had a meeting... I had breakfast and then drove to my grandma's to complain about how they didn't even bother on calling me to tell me I didn't have to wake up at 8:30 in the morning. Then, since I was there and the construction guys where moving my grandma's stuff to her room I decided to stay and just help in what I could help with. We had KFC for lunch and then I had a second lunch with Patty - I know... I'm such a fatty, I had sanconcho though and it was good. We ran into Beto at the mall since he has his Ron Ponche stand and talked for a while. I bought my aunt's x-mas gift and then left. I got home, chilled and then went out again because I had a friends-giving dinner at Lio's! Rod and I were the first ones there since Lio, Kat, Tommy and Oro were picking up the food. They returned and then Vivianne came and we had a not so good meal but still a fun time. Normally the boys game during the whole night but this night was different. Although they played for a while they also talked with us and stuff and we had such a fun night!
Monday was my first day on my new studying routine, now I'm gonna study every MWF and have my TR off. I started off good, studying two sections, however I was supposed to run but did poorly at night after coming home. I picked up Patty from school and went to my grandma's and stayed there. Tia Marilu, Patty and I googled other stuff we could do on our trip and I'm excited to spend Christmas in Amsterdam and New Year's Eve in London! We had pizza as a family (and that includes Acun!) and then I went grocery shopping. -Happy Birthday Alex!- Tuesday was Rod's birthday! And the birthday boy wanted T.G.I. Friday's so we went there of course. He had a cheeseburger and I had pasta (I regret that, I should've had cheeseburger too). We hung out and had a good time :) He had to leave early though because I had a group homework to attend to so the rest of the day I watched Netflix and edited a new Youtube video (mac and cheese in a mug). On Wednesday I studied, ran, watched Dora clean the house, and watched Netflix. That was my whole day and it was totally worth it to just chill out. Dad also came late in the night and we just had an update with each other as usual. On Thursday I did a lot of errands, first off I went to the dentist -yikes, to get my twice a year cleaning, then I picked up my dad and drove to the bank to deposit my mom's funeral's money, then Rod came over for a couple of hours and I helped him with a homework he had and then we just chilled on the couch. Later that night Brandon texted me asking if I wanted to hang out and we played Mario DDR on the Wii and it was so much fun! We burned so many calories, omg. On Friday Patty and I were supposed to paint Cristy's room but my grandpa is yet again on the hospital for the third time since I've been here, and I really thought he would have ended his emergency streak, sigh. On Saturday I woke up super late and watched Netflix the whole day until 4 pm which is when I drove to the hospital to be with Acun and Apo. I took some banana bread in a mug mixture to make over there and I finally figured out why it keeps getting soggy from the bottom down, it's because the mug is too tall and it obviously doesn't cook due to that so next time I'm gonna try it out in a bowl or something, or maybe two mugs and pour half and half. On Sunday I had a late start too, I woke up and watched my daily Youtube videos and had a pretty lazy morning until around 4 or 5 that is when I headed out to the hospital once again. Last time my grandpa was in the hospital was because he had lung problems, but when they treated it they stopped with the heart medication so now he's back at the hospital again due to the heart. Everything seems to be getting better and their house is fully under renovation right now.
On Monday I started studying Calculus since I made the deal with my dad of studying in exchange of going to London and Amsterdam with my aunt. It was kind of easy the first chapter since I've already seen it in class and done a couple of quizzes. The rest of the day I just chilled in the hospital like any other day. On Tuesday I ran 5 km early on to start the day, and then picked up Patty at school (oh yeah, she's no longer staying with me thank God, my dad also gave me permission to stay home alone) and went to Novey to buy some paint to use in Atai's old room. We painted the entire room with a little help from Tia Marilu and then headed to the hospital at night. On Wednesday we finished painting all the edges (Patty finished since I'm pathetic when it comes to edges) and then we headed back to the hospital yet again.
Then on the weekend we had the Arts and Crafts Fair in which we had a booth. Acun got out of the hospital on Friday and he went to the Aloft hotel to stay during the weekend. After school I picked up Patty and Izabel and took the stuff out of Apo's terrace into the fair. We settled everything and the start of a long hard working weekend begins. Tio Lancho was the stand next to us so we helped him out since he was not there all the time and when he was he was eating or/and texting, lol. We sold all of my mom's tembleques by the end of the weekend as well as a good amount of old cross stitch pattern's of my grandma. We made more than $500! That's more than last year. The funny part for me from this whole weekend is that it appeared as we had eaten more than sold, haha. There was a stand of strawberries and cream which we devoured and between Patty and I we ate around 9 brownies from the stand behind us.
Monday was November 3rd so the city was empty since more thank half of its inhabitants went to the beach for the long weekend and the remaining less than half were staying at home or honoring our country by marching on the streets. So it was pretty smooth driving to the hospital to visit my grandpa. Patty finally started watching the Harry Potter series and hence decided to sleep over at Apo's with me to keep watching the series, we only finished until the third one though, at 3 am. On Tuesday, Patty and I went to Deli Gourmet to buy some sandwiches requested by Acun. We spent the whole day at the hospital yet again and I'm getting so used to hospital food. In some way it reminds me to being in Orlando in the hospital with my mom, the only difference is that this time I'm cheerful. The streets are still empty since we are still on national holiday and driving like this feels so good. We also watched the following Harry Potter films and got until the 6th movie around midnight. Wednesday was yet another free day due to national holiday and yet another day at the hospital with my family. Since Patty stayed over again we went to Deli Gourmet together to get my grandpa's sandwiches and headed to the hospital once again. Thursday was a different day now, since we were no longer on national holiday people were back at school and work, except me. I feel like I have no time at all in my hands since I've been busy since I came back. I think the whole purpose of me coming back and taking the semester off was to be relaxed and having some alone time to think, but I've been surrounded by so many people I can feel my self time escaping through the gaps between my fingers. And to top it all off, I don't even have time for Rod and I feel so bad. First, it was the cleaning; and then my grandpa's in the hospital. My grandma keeps delegating duties as if I'm here so serve, which I absolutely don't mind. But I'd really appreciate some time alone. And since I'm not allowed to sleep at my house, I spent half my day driving to and from my house... Today my grandpa said something that really pissed me off... He was complaining of not being able to go back home for a mere week while workers clean the house and remove the carpet. One of the plans is for him to stay at my house in the mean time and he was complaining "but it's not the same as being in my house" which I almost yelled back 'what do you think I feel like?'. I need to be home. I miss my home. I want to be home. They won't let me though, as if they knew what I truly needed, when I truly just need some time alone in the place where I spent most of my time with my mom. In the place I feel most comfortable. I feel trapped. On Friday I came home and did my usual (Youtube, eat, and oh, film a Youtube video about how to make banana bread in a mug :3). After that I went and picked up Patty from school to head to the hospital but first stopping by Apo's to leave some boxes she asked me for. Days at the hospital are becoming more and more boring, don't misinterpret it, I love being there with my family, but there's just nothing to do. Poor grandpa, he's trapped in there. On Saturday I woke up early and went on a run with Tommy and Andrew, Andrew picked me up at my grandma's at around 6:30 and we run/walked two laps on the park after taking and shower I peaked in Cristy's room to see if she wanted to come with me to the hospital but she was fast asleep in the weirdest position. She had a triangular pillow and was in a kind of seating position with her head to a side and her arms just everywhere (and by everywhere I mean to the sides like if she was attempting to fly, lol). I got to sleep home because dad came back for tomorrow's mom's first month's mass. On Sunday we all went to mass, and my grandpa made us seat in the first row. I didn't want to because it was supposed to be a regular mass but we did anyway. His excuse was for people to have easier access when greeting us and there were a lot more people than I expected greeting us plus the ones that didn't but I saw. Rogelio's family has been extremely supportive and for that I'm deeply grateful, they have just been the greatest sports. After mass the tribe and I went to Golden Unicorn to have some lunch and then we all head different places. Dad went to my uncle Fred's to play Majohng, and some of my friends came over to just chill out. I ended up telling them to go at midnight because I was just so tired and falling asleep. I also got to convince my dad of two things: letting me stay home alone because I'm fucking tired of going back and forth, and to accompany my Tia Marilu and my cousins to London! The latter is if and only if I study Calculus III before next term so that's what I'm gonna do.
I went ahead and made some banana bread in a mug, besides the fact that I was craving it, it's messy free, individual size, and a perfect snack. The banana bread didn't stick to the mug at all and there's just something about eating stuff out of a mug.
Non-stick cooking spray
3 tbs flour
1 tbs + 1 teas sugar
2 tbs brown sugar
1/8 teas salt
1/8 teas baking powder
1/8 teas baking soda
1/4 teas vanilla extract
1 tbs vegetable oil
1 tbs milk
1 ripe banana, mashed
Spray a microwave safe mug with cooking spray.
In a bowl, or right in the mug, whisk flour, sugar, brown sugar, salt, baking powder, and soda. Add egg and combine until just incorporated with dry ingredients. Mix in vanilla, oil, milk and mashed banana.
Pop into the microwave for up to 3 minutes, with no fear to stop and check after 90 seconds for doneness.
Monday was moving day for me to my grandpa's house, I left at around 3 in the afternoon to pick up Patty at school first, then we had to do an errand for Tia Marilu at El Dorado which was a nightmare driving-wise (I even drove in the opposite way, oops). By the time we got to my grandparent's it was almost empty with only one car in the parking garage, luckily Cristy was there and I asked her what's up and she told me that Acun was in the hospital because he didn't feel very well. I wonder why all these bad things are happening all at once... I'm not ready to lose somebody else. So after dinner, we three girls went to the hospital with all the bags and snacks, Acun didn't look that bad and I guess it's better for him to stay in the hospital with all the nurse's attention than at home. The Hospital Nacional looked amazing, it was recently renovated and funniest thing is that they put my grandpa in the maternity aisle! So all the neighbors have balloons and 'it's a boy' and 'it's a girl' signs.
On Tuesday Cristy made me go with her to PriceSmart so I went. We filled two whole carts with all kinds of stuff and it was a long ass line to check out. I ran into my aunt's friend, La Jefa, and I'm not really surprised. After PriceSmart we had to come to my house to receive the new treadmill and on the way we picked up Patty. The treadmill guys were supposed to come after three but ended up coming way past six. They pulled over just as we were heading out to the hospital. Then we all went to the hospital and just had a good time like always. I came home on Wednesday to spend the day and watch over our cleaning lady while she cleaned the house. I also used that time to try our my new toy, the treadmill. I didn't do that good but I expected it because I'm definitely out of shape, but I have to start preparing for my race in January. I also filmed a video about tips for running a Disney race and my dad surprised me by telling me he had been giving the rest of the week off so I was able to stay in! For dinner I had a healthy meal of organic brown rice + chicken strips, so that means I'm back in my game :) Thursday was a good a relaxed day, Rod came over after noon and we just hung out, we finished watching a Harry Potter movie I started the night before, we watched some Youtube and had a good time overall. I cooked my dad some dinner, chicken alfredo, and he liked it :3 I was supposed to do nothing on Friday but late at night Brandon texted me to come over and it came to us to randomly go out and buy a pumpkin and carve it since it was Halloween. We got to the grocery store 13 minutes before they'd close and bought a small pumpkin and three chocolate bars. It took us around two hours to carve two faces and our initials on the pumpkin and it was so fun! I always have so much fun with Brandon. We then went to the rooftop to light it up with a candle on the inside and it turned out so awesome. It was the simplest yet best Halloween I've had.
On Saturday we had dim sam for lunch at my grandpa's since he's still not feeling well. After that my dad and I ran some errands, we went to the mobile shop to fix my internet, we bought groceries and a second router since the one my dad bought was working really good in the living room but since it was put up the one in my room crashed so we decided to have two routers of the same kind and know we have wifi around the whole house and it has a password! At night some of my girls came over just cause, including my favorite lesbian, Alejandra and Shey. We had some pizza and lots of fun. On Sunday Dad and I went to the church my mom's at because it was the Day of the Dead so it was rather obvious to attend mass. The rest of my family was supposed to come but my grandparents didn't show up. Apparently my grandpa is back at the hospital after a couple of days being home. After mass, Tia Marilu, my cousins, my dad and I went to Cozi for some lunch and to get my grandparents a doggie bag. He was put in the same aisle but the room next to last time's, so he's still in the maternity ward! How funny XD So we spent the day at the hospital once again.
This video was super fun to do and useful too. I found myself looking up several of these kinds of videos so I hope you enjoy!
Tips: 1. Register early because availability goes out fast. 2. Train with enough time ahead. 3. Save money! 4. Read the program prior to the race weekend to organize yourself. 5. Stay at a Disney host resort. 6. Stop by the official merchandise booth. 7. Take your camera to the expo because there will be great photo ops. 8. Your love ones can make signs for free at the expo. 9. Take it slow the days before the race, specially if you are going to the theme parks. 10. HYDRATE! 11. If running in a costume feels uncomfortable, try a Disney themed shirt and some accessories to run comfy yet not loosing the Disney magic.
Monday was the second intensive cleaning day, I was awoken by some really loud thunders very early in the morning and because of the heavy rain my grandma and company came a little later. We worked all day and successfully finished the dinning room, living room and part of the kitchen completely. I also picked up Patty from school so she could help too. There was a moment I got so mad at my grandma because she asked me about a pair of old curtains that looked 20 years old and I told her to give it away and she insisted not to because "I didn't know when I would need it again..." I mean, we already have curtains glued with tape and we don't even need curtains and then she drew the conclusion that I was getting rid of all of my mom's stuff just because she died... She literally said "your mom died and now it's a clean slate"... Of course not... She exaggerates every single thing and I'm so pissed. How dare she know how I feel, and what I'll need in the future. How dare she think she knows my mom's housing style better than the living thing she created that lived here her whole life. This process is hard enough without people talking on your back saying your in a certain stage, saying you are not crying enough or saying you don't look like you care. I'm so pissed that all that attention towards me is taking attention from my mom. I'm fine on my own and if I need help I know I am to seek it. I don't need people getting in my life dictating what they think I should be feeling and acting like. After all the chaos and after the smoke cleared, my grandpa brought my mom's ashes and we walked her around the house. She's currently sitting on the front table with candles, pictures, and roses. Nobody saw this but I sneak in the jewelry set she wore on one of her pictures, a picture of her and me in my graduating gown and the little mule key chain she brought me from Santorrini, Greece into the urn. And all that is accompanied as well with a virgin plaque. I put the necklace in because right now I'm wearing my mom's favorite jade necklace, and the one I put in her urn is the only one I ever gave to her as a present and it's Swarovski. So in a sentimental way it's like we exchanged necklaces and that warms my heart.
Mom's funeral was on Tuesday, so I woke up and put on some make up and got dressed. We got to the church an hour before start time, that is around 10 am, and there were people already there. I thought I was going to be the first one there but Tia Marilu and other people where there. Today I received around 200 (?) hugs, and half of them from people I don't know. I was apprehensive about how many people would attend but there was no empty bench in that church. A lot of my high school classmates came (Gaby, Jose, Themis, Carolina, Victor, Luis Felipe, Alfonso, Zhanzhy, Shey, Raysa, Yeitzel, and more) that's more than I imagined. But also people I thought would show me support did not go. Vivianne told me she wouldn't be able to go because of something she had to do in the university but she showed up, Vivianne has been my rock these past days; same with Rod and Jose. Several of Las Tias showed up as well, and I would always tear up when they'd hug me because I consider them as mother figures too. I gave my speech, and I received a couple of compliments, I find that giving something to laugh in a moment like this helps and they certainly laughed. There was a part I said "I can say with confidence that I was my mom's favorite daughter". The day also started like a cliche funeral day, it was drizzling. I was looking for a rainbow so I could mention in my speech that my mom was watching over us through the rainbow but it never came, but maybe she doesn't need to be rainbow shaped to be with us, maybe she's with us right now showing no sign. After the funeral our close family gathered for lunch at Lai Chin. And I was a little annoyed at Xiomy because she invited somebody we didn't know, somebody my mom certainly did not know and she sat in my table. She was talking freely like nothing bad had happened and didn't even presented herself to me. She only acknowledged Luis and Patty, like WTF... She even packed the left overs to take home and paused us while eating to pray. I was so steamed I think I gave a mean look but I don't care. How dare she come to a close lunch for somebody we all but her love. Somebody she didn't even know... I'm pissed at Xiomy. She did the same thing with Patty in her Quinceanos, she invited a bunch of teenager who didn't even know Patty and took all the cake-pops and good candy... Going back on topic, for dinner we all went to the Sheraton hotel because I wanted to give my mom a fancy dinner. The food was good, they had asparagus soup and I go crazy for that. Then later that night after all the chaos vanished I skyped with Alex and it was so relaxing and something I definitely needed.
Wednesday was the continuation of the cleaning process, but before the crew arrived to my house I dreamed about mom yet again, something to do with her social security payments but I really can't remember it at all. We cleaned the kitchen this time and it turned out pretty great, Apo took a nap in the middle of the day and so did everybody but Cristy. There was a funny moment when Tia Yiya said she'd to go to the bathroom but went to hers three floors down and didn't come back until hours later, lol we all know what happened (my guess is that she took a nap just like her sister). For dinner we went to El Prado and I had a delicious Sancocho <3
You know what hurts the most from my mom's death? She'll never be a grandma, she'll never babysit my kids and pamper them as much as she pampered me... And that's the thing that hurts the most, because I'm a 100% sure she would have been the perfect Apo. Back to the week, Thursday was day 4 of intensive cleaning and today we attacked the storage closet as well as the maid's room. We then went for dinner at a Peruvian restaurant and I came back home to film a part of my next Youtube video. Also, can you believe Patty has never watched Harry Potter?! I have no little cousin anymore until she watches it, I'm serious.
Friday was a fun day, after a light cleaning day just comprising of getting rid of all of Agrupa's stuff, my true good friends came over! Jose, Vivianne and Rod came over. At first we were going to go out to eat but I didn't really wanna go out, plus if we go out the thing is over after you finish eating so they came to my house instead. We found some money in our house that belonged to somebody else who never came to claim it after two years and we had +$80 in our hands for food. We spent $79 on sushi! We obviously didn't finish but it was really nice for those people to never come and have fed us tonight :) After eating we just chilled and they stayed at my house until 1 am and I was so so so tired. I practically kept falling asleep every 5 minutes. I think I haven't recovered from all the tiredness from the hospital having to wake up early all these days to clean up my house and to do errands.
On Saturday dad woke me up like half an hour before leaving... Talk about getting used to living without mom. Specially dad's driving, omg, I thought I was going to die like three times! I remember how much I used to criticize my mom's slow driving but dad's is just insane! Anyway, only Tia Marilu and Patty came for lunch because my grandpa was not feeling very good. I always thought my grandpa was the one that was not going to see me graduate, but it was my mom... After lunch, dad and I went grocery shopping because we were going to host dinner to celebrate our new cleaned house; however, we had to change location to my grandpa's house because he was still feeling ill. We had a really good time as a family and the food was really good. We, and by we I mean my dad, Tia Marilu and Xiomy, cooked a really great meal. We had fried chicken, carimañola, patacones and sausage.
On Sunday we had a mass dedicated to my mom at Santa Marta at noon so we went, a lot of people attended as well including the Robles and Gretta. Everyone's support has been overwhelming in the greatest of ways and I could not be more thankful. After mass, La Tribu and El Clan (Enrique, Tio Poncho, Waikit, etc.) went for lunch together to El Trapiche. We had a delightful lunch with lots of laughs. After lunch my dad wanted to have dinner as a family just like the day before so we went grocery shopping to buy supplies. We bought steak and I also bought some vegetables to make some juice because Apo has a juicer. On the way to Apo's, dad and I had a fight... He wanted me to learn how to pay the utility bill but I was complaining because he's supposed to be the adult in charge and he should have a clue on where to start, all I wanted was for us to do it together and not for him to delegate it as a homework... he literally said "you have homework" and I was pissed because when I told him why wouldn't he help me at least by giving me the utility company or the account number he started saying that he would live by himself with no help from me whatsoever in the future... He's so extremist, gosh. At Apo's, Tia Marilu taught me how to make the payments online and thankfully I had my mom's user name and password in her old cellphone so my dad and I were in better terms after that but geez, I don't want to deal with him when it comes to things like these... I miss my mom's lightness on topics like these and her sense of ownership on errands. She was just so good at everything.
Here's a video on how to make a bib number and medal holder on your own. I decided to make my own instead of buying one on Etsy because the holders on Etsy can go to a price of $50 when this holder cost me around $20 and it's tailored to my taste.
I bought all the supplies at Michael's but you can also find them in a craft shop, and things such as the binder clips and the command hooks I got them at Target.
It's super easy and the supplies can be found anywhere!
On Monday I went to USF to do a lot of stuff, among those to drop off this semester. At first I was going to drop it off, then I thought I could manage it but then after talking to the advisor I've decided to drop it off. Tia Doris has been really helpful with this decision as well as Alex, thank God for them. I returned my rented books, finished packing, did laundry, move my bike into my room and picked Patty's package. When talking to the advisor I broke down, the moment I said the words "my mom passed away last Thursday" I started crying. A mother's death is not the same as a father's death in my opinion, unless you are closer to your dad but I think everybody is closer to their mother. Tuesday was a really down played day, we deposited some money in the university's credit union, had some IHOP for lunch and went to Target. What I love about Target is that relaxing feeling I get while walking the aisles. It's just so therapeutic, I'm such a white girl. The only thing my Target's missing is a Starbucks, lol. We had Chinese takeout for dinner and it was so good, I'll never get tired of if. I can picture it now, next year by Fall living on my own apartment with my own kitchen watching Disney Channel while having Chinese - perfection. I still get sad when thinking about my mom. I think I haven't got to that stage where I fully break down, I know I broke down last week but I have a hunch the eye of the hurricane is gonna end soon. Wednesday was better, 'Las Tias' are on point for sure when it comes to how I'm feeling. Kudos to Vivianne as well, she's been a miracle to me this week. I truly don't know how I'd be without her entertaining me this whole week. Tomorrow marks a whole week since mom passed... And I still think I haven't realized that I've lost her forever. Today we drove to Orlando to pick up the death certificate as well as the cremation document, then drove back to Tampa to certify them at the Panamanian consulate. The highlight of my day was certainly having lunch at Fuddruckers and Alejandra now tells me there's one at Panama! Acun called twice at night and he sounds so much cheerful it brightens my heart. It appears that the girls made a group to talk about my situation, and Vivianne updates them about me and suddenly each starts texting me and I thought it was all a coincidence until I asked Alex and she told me about the group, lol. Roger's mom, Tia Esther, as also been very attentive and I can never stop thinking: "bless all the Tias". Thursday was a rough day, Dad and I went to the airport early in the morning, around 4:30 am. We hopped on the plane and I kid you not the guy next to me was so huge he kept bumping my side with his arm and he looked like he did not care at all. He also had Beats headphones and what's the point on having sound proof headphones if I can hear what you're listening to? Maybe some classical or instrumental music would be fine but salsa and reggeaton? We landed and Apo came to pick us up. The reunion with my grandpa was really emotive, at first I made it seem like I was fine, but then my grandma hugged me... then it all went down. I went to my grandpa and he hugged me as well making all the tears flow making our own little pool in the laundry room. It was hot, humid, and uncomfortable but there we were hugging and crying together. I've never seen my grandpa cry, or hear him say those kinds of words, or even hugged me for that long of a time. While we were there we decided on a picture for the mass on Tuesday, I can honestly say I did not like the picture they chose. They chose a studio photo and I don't like it because they other options showed a more relaxed and real look in her facial expressions. But it looks like my vote was not valid... I will also be giving an eulogy on Tuesday so there's that. When I got back home I heard voices through our front door and looked through the peep hole and saw Enrique, Austin and a random guy (friend of Enrique's), they crashed just to hang out and of course we had a great time. Vivianne came by too and she brought me ice cream! She's just the sweetest and I love her so much. Waikit also came by later and the house was swarmed with uninvited people (except for Vivianne), but it felt good. On Friday my grandparents, Tia Yiya, Cristy, my dad and I went to the church where the funeral is going to be held and to also see the crypt where the urn is going to be put at. My mom's urn will be right below Tio Evan, Dorianne's granddad, and right next to my grandparents when their time comes. It brings me happiness to know that my mom will be next to Acun and Apo in a near future and she won't be alone. After looking at the church, El Colegio Javier's church, we went and had Chinese for lunch. After that we drove to La Prensa to post announcements about the funeral, three in total; one from my grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins; one from the Kam family, and one from my dad and I. After that, it was a really busy day by the way, we drove to Arrocha to buy frames to put next to the urn on the ceremony. My dad and I have very different views on everything and it's always a struggle with him... I need mom to be on my side too so it'd be 2 to 1. Then my dad and I went to PriceSmart but he forgot his membership card so we finally came back home. For dinner Rod and I went out, I missed him so much. He's so much thinner and he always knows how to make me laugh. He took me to Lenos and Carbon and we had a lovely dinner. On Saturday dad and I went to deal with cellphone, internet and TV errands. We increased our internet to 4 MB! Finally I'll have faster internet <3 we also changed TV to the most basic package and cancel the telephone all together. Then we had lunch with the whole family. We then went to PriceSmart and boy was it a mistake... it was so freaking packed. We bought the randomest stuff and did the longest line for checkout. Then at home we relaxed. Oh, I also had my first dream with mom. It was the weirdest though, we were at an airport's security line and I place my bag in the conveyer belt, when it came out the security lady gave me a to go box with mash potatoes, french fries and a several layered burger from Burger King. We walked to a random room and I opened my backpack to find two trays from Burger King with crumbles on them, somehow I knew my mom had taken them and I got mad at her because it made my backpack get dirty and I yelled at her. She and my dad when to their room and after thinking about what I did I felt guilty and went to their room. I jumped on top of her and roll to her side and just hugged her, no words needed and somehow I knew everything was alright.
Sunday was such a busy day. I woke up at 8:15 in the morning after having my second dream with mom in a row. The part where mom appeared was when I was in a car and she was in another one with a couple of friends and she started convulsing while driving and I got really scared and called my friend really worried because I could see her convulsing in the car but she told me everything was alright but I knew it wasn't and after that I don't remember a thing. Anyways, it took me less than 10 minutes to drive from my house to Punta Pacifica to pick Patty. She wasn't eve up when I got there so I had to wait for a long time, then we went to Apo's to pick up Cristy but the streets were cluttered with this new bicycle way they separate in the middle of the street for cyclist to cycle freely so we had to drive a long long way to then make a U turn and get to Apo's. We started the cleaning. We successfully clean the five closets on the hallway, the dinning table and its chairs, the kitchen dinner, and separated what we wanted from mom's closet. We had both lunch and dinner in my newly cleaned kitchen table. Tio Ricky from a floor below had asked me and my dad to come down and have dinner with them, I had already told my dad that I was not going to go and that he had to go because he was not even helping with the cleaning. He went there and then called me from down there telling me to come down making me look like a jerk to them... I got so mad at him... I don't want to see anybody unless they are close to me. I don't want them to pity me, to judge me, or to think I'm in the negation state just because I don't look unhappy. I just want to be with my family and close friends. Why can't I have a more comprehensive father?...
Hey Mom, I really hope you're reading this since our last words were a simple goodbye with a hug. You never saw me cross the finish line, but I bet you were proud as fuck that whole weekend. I can assure you all of our family and friend's hearts are broken, specially mine. I only had 19 and a half years with you, and five of those years I cannot recall or look back at when I'm lonely since I was a baby/toddler.
You were the most faithful mother, always following my dreams behind me in case I failed. I did fail in several of them but instead of comforting me you just pushed me in a different direction so I wouldn't hurt my self-esteem. You pampered me with no shame, you spoke highly of me -and quite a lot- to my aunts and uncles, you never punished me and took me everywhere I'd want to go.
I have so many good memories with you, I have so many good experiences along with the rest of the family. All our trips, and adventures; but even the ordinary day at home on a summer day while dad was at work and you would of course be sitting on the bed with your iPad and I'd run to your room yelling 'Maaaa' and bother you just because. I liked being annoying to you in a loving way and you'd just laugh and tease me back.
Although you were not the greatest cook (thank God for step by step instructions on Kraft mac and cheese), you were indeed the greatest wife, aunt, daughter, sister and most importantly mom. I will never doubt the strength of love and affection you had towards me since you fought so hard to get me, 10 years actually, but I can't stop wandering what I could have soaked in from you in those 10 years we lost. God has his reasons and I know they'll be for the better, but God dammit am I hurt.
You were so selfless and would just lighten the room with happiness and smiles. I still remember your body language and I hope never to forget it, when you would lift both your arms and say "oieee" to me when I teased you; when you hugged me after not seeing me in a long time and caress me, or when you just to say "todo lo que mi bebita quiera", express how much you cared about me; a true mother's love.