Monday, September 29, 2014

Week #74: DARK TIMES (09.22.14 - 09.28.14)

I had a pretty rough night last night, I went to bed around 4 am on Monday and I couldn't figure out why I couldn't sleep. My head just kept throwing thoughts at me without even waiting for me to even catch them (process them). When I woke up in the morning I was pretty darn tired and headed to Calculus class, I think it's nice to be excited for Calculus because Ricardo is there. I got really thoughtful about how I don't have the friendships I'd kill for in here, somebody I can just hang out with every day or go grocery shopping or to a soccer match with... I'm really missing out on that, but I honestly can't seem to find somebody who'd like to do those things and I can feel natural with. So I'm happy one of the closest thing to a friend I have in here is in Calculus with me. I also got an email from Study Abroad announcing a photo contest they are having and I think I might have a chance at that so I already ordered some prints for my pictures.

And if my life could go any worse, I overslept Tuesday morning making me one hour late to my physics lab... So I got half of the points deducted because of that. I'm miserable, I don't see any point in life you know... Is future really worth all this crap? I can't even cry... I don't feel like eating... I want to just give up in future... My whole career can go down the drain because of this class. I had an A assured in this class but because of this lab I won't get an A, meaning that my GPA could go below 3.0 and that could cost me the entrance to the Computer Engineering department. I kind of really want to major in that, I like it, but I don't like the process to enter. I sick of physics and calculus. I feel like I cannot take it anymore. I know I am smart and bright enough to do it, but I'm not emotionally ready for this roller coaster. I need my mom, I need Rod to cry on, I need my best friend to talk to. I'm alone, emotionally broken, and because of one little mistake my life could go down the drain. I know I can make it up and just drop and take it next semester, same with physics and calculus; but I've never been the kind of person to just repeat courses or to fail. I'm not used to this... I know what Alex said is true, that college is a whole other thing, but I just feel like I don't belong. I don't know what to do... I know I said all I needed was my mom, Rod, and Alex... But honestly, whatever my mom says won't make me feel better, Rod wouldn't know how to handle it and I can honestly feel how tired he is of listening to me, and I don't want to feel belittled by Alex... I running into walls in here...

Wednesday almost starts the same way Tuesday did, I almost over slept but got just in time for class. I think it's funny how a 150+ students classroom is always almost empty, only around 30 people attended the Discrete Structures lecture and people kept leaving. I don't even know why I go since I obviously don't pay any attention. It's Chen Kan all over again as Armando might say. After class I went to the library to continue my weekly study sessions, and this session was all about Calculus III. I did some problems from the vast collection of problems we've been assigned (around a 100 for only one chapter). 

On Thursday I had planned with Ricardo to study all day but he thought I was kidding so he left less than two hours into the study session... like, really? I thought I was going to study the rest of the day but guess I didn't. I did my physics (still mad) pre lab, the jazz concert assignment (in which I got a 100), yet I don't feel productive at all. I also ordered pizza which is biting my conscience in this very moment, no more pizza the rest of the semester! And that's a damn commitment I'm going to follow. My face also feels gross so I decided to go for a face mask (Kiko's anti aging mask, it's simply perfect).

Well it's raining right now, like crazy, it's almost 7 pm and it has been a semi-productive day. After my only class today, which was amazing because we got to review for the up coming test on Monday, Ricardo and I continued with our study session. It went really bad since none of us knew what to actually do so we did nothing for like an hour. Back in my dorm I made my formula sheet and intended on doing homework and keep studying but I just can't focus. At the end of the day I just did my laundry, finished up packing for Disney and applied for an off campus apartment for next year. I'm so excited to be living off campus like you have no idea!

My procrastinating game is strong on Saturday, I was supposed to do my Discrete Structure's homework but instead I filmed a Youtube video of my dorm XD In the end I finished my homework and made my cheat sheet around 2 in the morning. I'm so close to finishing HIMYM on Netflix but I'm too sleepy to finish it.

On Sunday I studied a bit for my Calculus test, I watched Harry Potter 7.2 and yeah haha that was my Sunday!