Friday, March 28, 2014

Week #48: University Meltdown (03.24.14 - 03.28.14)

This whole weekend I've been excited to finally put my hands on my new iPad Mini, the moment I saw that the package was finally delivered on Monday morning I went nuts. What bothers me is that the Mailing Office has not sent me an email telling me to pick it up so my patience is running low. Also last night was a tough night, I had to literally count sheep to fall asleep (I counted over 200). I finally got my iPad, a 128 GB iPad Mini and uploaded my stuff that only left 31 GB left from the 128 GB! The rest of the day was A REALLY CRAPPY DAY! I went to the office hours of my calculus II professor, to get extra points on my second test and I wasn't really ready and he got really mad and started to frustrate with me. In one of the questions he asked what method to use for a certain integral but I didn't know what he meant with method, and he screamed at me writing the word method in capital letters while yelling it slowly... If I had to award the worst professor in the history of universities I would grant him the honor... I left his office crying and got a call from my mom, I finally told her that I couldn't keep up with engineering any more and I was streaming water currents down my cheeks. I don't see why my mom makes me get an engineering degree if I don't like the career itself and the subjects to make it. I tried looking up for other majors in USF (Architecture and Graphic Design), but it was useless. Architecture was only a master's program, and for graphic design I need to apply with a portfolio. I tried to focus in the library after my meltdown but I couldn't... I texted Jose David later for support and he is such a great friend, I love him with all my heart. I offered to help me with calc and was so sweet about it! He might be one of the best, if not, friend I've ever had. So selfless and loving he is. I wanted to Skype with Rod... I told him I needed him, but he told me no because he had to go to sleep... That really hurt my feelings. 

It's Tuesday and I still feel crappy from what happen Monday, maybe things will get better. It's not the end of the world right? If I fail I can take the class again over the summer... I just feel stupid, that's all. Every minute I'm alone, watching Netflix or doing nothing I feel guilty because that might be the reason of my failures, but I try to remind myself that this me-time is extremely important. However, doesn't matter how many times I tell myself... I keep beating myself up and my eyes keep watering. This is definitely the worst week of this whole term... I feel so stupid, useless, and good for nothing. Everyone around me is getting good grades, and is easy for them to focus; they want to be engineers in the future because that's what they love. When I grow up, I'll let my children decide to study whatever they want; because this right here is not worth it. My mom after offering yesterday to fly over here because of my sadness, gave me the chance to change majors, but from the list of majors in USF I couldn't find a single thing I'd like. If I wanted to really pursue my dreams I would have to change schools, and that would be a shame because of the great pricing due to my scholarship here. This topic just keeps going on and on in my head, beating the guilt out of me. I wish I hadn't rejected the offer my mom made to come visit me. I rejected it because in a couple of week I'll be in Panama for Patty's 15th birthday party and my dad would kill my mom if she just came to visit because I was sad. I had never cried like that in front of my mom, I must have triggered her motherly instinct. My eyes are watering right now just thinking about all of this, I really want my mommy here. 

On Wednesday I had a quiz on economics, and the professor never told us like he usually does. I did well, but I missed one question because I skipped it unintentionally! I have everything else right and that infuriates me! I could've gotten a 100 on that week. I just feel that it seems as if I can't catch a break this week. I just want really to take the next semester off and just relax you know... So now I'm intrigued in the whole computer engineer thingy, it got me thinking and I research a little bit about it and I really liked it. I remember in high school programming HTML and it was really fun, I even like it more than industrial engineering because this means that I could work for big companies like Apple or Google or even create apps! So after more than a week and a half without doing laundry I finally succumbed. The load was huge and well... you know: the struggle. 

On Thursday I had planned a calculus date with Courtney to learn everything we haven't but at last minute she had to go pick up her brother... So I took in the extra hours of sleep and relaxed a little. Then I went for a run and ran over 6 km! :3 That really brightens my day. Then I showered and headed out to the library to work on math. I got some Pollo Tropical for dinner and then returned to the library. I feel quite proud of myself for practicing so much and having long term focus sessions. I'm also loving my iPad mini :D I've been playing Hay Day and watching my YouTube videos here while studying. 

On Friday I woke up at 8:30 am to meet up with Ricardo to help him with economics, we met in a room at the MSC. It's the first time I've ever been in one of those rooms. I explained as much as I could because he only had until 10:50, I really hope he does well on the midterm on Monday. I also biked to Target to buy an iPad cover, a stylus and since I was there I bought makeup for Patty's birthday and for some YouTube videos I'm planning to do when I get back :3 What also surprised me about the makeup I bought was that the Elf brand, everthying was under $3! And I got a pretty cool lip color which is the red in the picture below. I also forgot to go out on a run! :'( I really wanted to... The rest of the day I finished Pokemon on Netflix and skyped with Rod :)